Save me from Myself.

Today I was reflecting...thinking as I always do. (I swear one day I WILL in fact drown in my thoughts.) And this "idea" dawned on me. It wasn't so much a realization because subconciously I feel that I always knew this but I just needed what I was thinking and feeling to all be condensed into one phrase/statement.

I need to be saved from myself. I am my own worst enemy at this point. It's inspired me to start work on new lyrics to a song which hopefully will rid me of the writer's block I've been experiencing for quite some time now. I wont go into too much detail as to what I am talking about being that it's irrelevant at this point and that is the very problem.

The so called "problem" I've been experiencing is not a problem at all. In fact it's no longer apart of my life and therefore it's irrelevant....the obstacles are my thoughts. I still dwell on the "problem" though its no longer associated to me. Why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to think, dwell, mull, ponder on something that has no more relevance.

I thought to myself... "It would make sense if the "problem" was still in fact part of my everyday life. And it isn't. It's gone. It has left for the most part and yet I still think and FEEL. (feeling has been my own worst enemy as well)

I'm pretty sure I am wasting my time giving this "problem" so much of my time. It is certainly not affecting me as much as it was. But it's still there....like a tick. It's affecting my emotions, my thoughts and I get angry with myself because I know I need to just forget it...give it up. But I can't seem to do the very act.

I have been able to control my actions how I act towards the very problem but my thoughts and emotions have been a much harder force to control. It feels damn near impossible. And I feel that in order to really reach my goal of release this is the next step and I cant accomplish it. It's a tough mountain to climb. A hard obstacle that still stands in my way.

Why am I still stuck in this rut? I do acknowledge and appreciate the fact that I have come leaps and bounds but I am still nonetheless very stuck.  And it's all do to me. I cannot point the blame towards any direction but to myself. And that's the worst. Getting angry and fed up with yourself knowing you are STUCK with you forever. Save me from myself.

In honor of sunglasses...

I'm hot and cold.

Toodles.

'Tis the season to be jolly...

Bonjour mes amis.....its been too long. I'm on break from school and I'm enjoying the time I have off since things are usually busy and hectic for me. It's good being back home with family and friends.  I love it. But I need my city fix. I've been stuck in Jersey for too long so it's time for some big buildings, subways, and loads of people. This week will be that very week. OOOOO JOY=) I'm excited. I'm also looking forward to the new year 2010. This year has been less than pleasurable to say the least. I'm ready for a fresh new start. Goodnight past....goodmorning future.
  On a sidenote, I am very anxious to get a MAC laptop....its been too long waiting. The main reason aside from it being amazing is I want to get back on my youtube account and start making singing videos again. So many of my YouTube subscribers and people who watch my videos have been telling me to make new videos. It's been over a year I think. And I miss making videos for you guys....my singing has improved a lot since then and I want to show you all. But for now, until I get my mac, I went out and bought a webcam for my run down laptop so I can get my account up and running ASAP. I will give you the link to my YouTube account in the next blog once I get a few new videos up. I hope everyone's having a fabulous holiday season! 

    In honor of being fabulous, look at these fabulous glasses I've seen that I may want to get.

They are by the designer Kerin Rose....she's edgy and different I like it. There's some pretty hot stuff she has. Ouch. Spicy.

Currently Listening to: "Sleepy head" by Passion Pit.

Sigh of Inspiration.

Ok so finals are done for me at this here university. Did my two theater finals and I'm done. Onto a new year and new start. I can breathe again and relax. But before I do that, I am sleeping till I cannot sleep anymore....I LOVEEEE SLEEP. So I will do just that...prob do some online shopping first though. Take a look below at me doing the very act haha.

Haha I looked knocked out yet peaceful I think. I like this pic for some odd reason....anyway I'd like to leave this here entry with an incerpt of one of my favorite speeches that one of my classmates presented in class today. It actually made my day and brought me out of my gloomy tiresome spirit. Enjoy.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles," 1992 (commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)

This is so true. Bellisimo. La Ville est Belle.

Currently Playing: "The Girl from Ipanema" -Stan Getz

Shopaholic.

 

Yah the title pretty much describes me. I love shopping. online shopping to be exact. It a bit of an obsession but oh well I'm young and like to look nice....eventually I'll slow my role...or will I? I have a bit of things on my shopping list that I intend to buy. Take a look.

So this yellow rain coat is from RVCA. I've always wanted a yellow rain coat to go with my yellow laced hunter wellington rain boots. I saw they were on sale today but unfortunately they only have it online in an extra large! What a drag. I really wanted the jacket and they were selling it for a really good price too. I'll keep looking....sigh. Hopefully they will have a small or xsmall sooner than later.

This the Jeffrey Campbell "obscene boot." They are fucking amazing! I saw them online and completely fell in love. I am so getting these as a christmas present to myself. Ugh....so fierce.  The price is pretty "fierce" too but ugh the sacrifices we make for fashion=) I love it! Don't you?

So I've never been an ugg fan really but I've always said that if  color uggs come back into fashion or if uggs look a little less plain, I would definitely buy a pair. So I randomly go on the ugg website since it is the holiday season and I am looking to buy lots of goodies and I find that Ugg Austrailia is doing a special bid where they colaborate with different desginers to make specialized uggs to auction off for charity. I immediately fell in love with this pair! They are the Leanne Marshall design and they are soo hot but I went to look at the price thinking, "Oh this should be like maybe 300 dollars tops" and the actual price is.... (drum rollllllll) 650.00. Mind you, this is the cheapeast price for the specialized collection they have. Some of the boots range as much as $3,000.00 YIKES! Oh well....one can dream....or win the lottery.

There is this book bag that I browsed on the Urban website....its hot ill get that soon enough! I couldn't copy and paste the photo so heres the link

Urbanoutfitters site

I also need hats, gloves, scarves, things of that nature....so many things to buy I honestly have no more room to put it all and I just finished giving lots of my stuff away to the salvation army.whoo. Oh heels are also on my to do list. I want to start rocking heels more often. so sexy. lets hope my feet can withstand the pain haha.

Ok and finally I want my LL bean snow boots which I was getting ready to buy tonight but the fuckers wont ship till february 7 and thats far too long a wait....ugh im highly upset no shopping for me tonight but take a look at them.

Ill keep looking for things to get my hands on tomorrow...geesh. night.

Rated (R)ihanna

So I listened to Rihanna's "Rated R" album and I am really digging it. She gets real raunchy and her swag is real nice on more than a few songs. I like her edge....it's mesmerizing. I like the whole glam punk rock feel she has going in. It inspires my own style and in honor of Rihanna, I have been dabbling and experimenting with dark lips (tick) and high heels. Yes I like to go out in style always....even to class =) so what? dressing up is fun! My two favs are "Rude Boy" and "Cold Case Love." Oh and check out this gal's website. It's dope if I do say so myself. The silver manniquens threw me a bit off though but hey...out of the box is good.

www.rihannanow.com/

Those heels are fuckin' sick. I want a pair....very eccentric. Hmmm perhaps my next blog will be fashion related....one of my favorite topics. I have so much more to blog about but it's 3am and I have class in a few hours. ha. Toodles!

Currently Listening to: "RUDE BOY" by Rihanna

LA DI LA DI DA.....'' BE HAPPY"

So all day since the minute I woke up, this song has been continuously playing in my head. I don't know why.....I haven't had a song play obnoxiously in my head for quite some time now but it makes me smile and keeps me inspired. I've been playing it all day and it may just be my theme song for the week. Take it away Mary J. hehe that rhymes.

BE HAPPY

(Vs.1)


How can I love somebody else

If I can't love myself enough to know

When it's time,

Time to let go

Sing



(Chorus)

All I really want

is to be happy

And to find a love that's mine

It would be so sweet

(Repeat)



(Vs.2)

I ask for the sign

From the sweet Lord above

I know the answer is in front of me

But when you think you're in love

You only see what you wanna see

And all I see is me for you

And you for me



Oh I cannot hide the way I feel inside

(No I don't know why)

I don't know why but every day I wanna cry

(Every day I wanna cry)

If I give you one more try

To there rules, will you abide

And if I mean anything to you

Would it make everything all right



(Chorus)



I just wanna be so, so, happy

But the answer lies in me

I do believe

That we can be happy

I said I wanna be happy, yeah



(Vs.3)

Life is too short

To be tryin to play some games

Now take some time and think about

If it's really worth losing me

Why must it be this way

Why do you have to play with my mind

All the time

Help me sing it



All I really want is for me to be happy

Ohhh, just help me sing it

All I really want is for me to be happy

Yeahhhhhhh

All I really want is for me to be happy

Oh, you know I wanna be happy, yeah, yeah

~repeat through chorus~



I don't wanna have to worry about nothin no more

Said I wanna be, said I wanna be, said I wanna be

(Chorus)
 
 
 
 
So with that being said/sung....I intend to stay happy for the rest of the week. OOO joy!

"Just Jump" into the sea of INSPIRATION...

Ok, so I'm not a big facebook "note tag" person....meaning when people tag me in their notes, I rarely if ever read them because I usually get tagged to the notes which have you fill out a random survey of how you know the person who tagged you. Quite frankly, I find this as a waste of life so I don't bother reading. However, this morning at 7am I was tagged in a note by my friend (I won't mention her name for privacy purposes) and she wrote this note herself and it was so inspiring and well written, I just had to post this.I originally wasn't going to bother to read because I never read those loads of crap but something enticed me to read it and I am sooooo glad I did.  It sums up a lot of what I have and am going through and I am so glad she tagged me because evidently this spoke directly to me. I love it and I honestly cherish it. I hope you do too. What a clever chick she is. Here it is. This is entitled, "Just Jump." Jump right in and read =)

JUST JUMP

Sometimes we meet people in our lives that God may not have intended for us. We have our share of good encounters and bad ones....each tested who we are, who we've become and who we want to be. At the end of the day I think that I’ve been lucky to meet both.




I've had the best people enter my life and I've had the worst. I've had people who have lifted my spirit so high and made me learn so much, enriched my life in ways they will never know and made me grateful to be alive. I've had the worst people enter and leave my life who broke me down, made me question my self worth, and tested me to see how strong and how much I could really take.



We've been in love and fallen out of it. We've had our heart open and broken. We've given too much and gotten too little, but I've also gotten so much from both of those. Sometimes its the people in your life who hurt you who actually help your inner YOU more than you know. It's when someone pushes you to the edge....when they make you wanna jump...when they make you feel like you have no options...that you get the strength...



I've been on that edge of a hopeless cliff. I've had all my emotional baggage strapped ot my back....so heavy and about to tip me over...and it is at that moment...that I chose to jump.....



and do you know what happened?





I flew....



I let go, I was FREE. I jumped from that ledge of insecurity, of false promises, of endless tears and unbearable grief, of misery and denial, and I left that girl behind. I left everything that I thought was comfort and realize there was more beyond the horizon...just past that cliff's edge....to a place that was not known....and not secure....and away from all I thought was real.....and I soared. And I've never looked back





So sometimes we meet people who push us to that limit....because God wanted us to learn that life is all about risks....and it requires you to jump. Don’t be the person who always has to think "what if" ..... take a stand, a stand for yourself....for all you are and all you ever wanted to be...let go of what holds you down, what hurts you...what makes you think you cannot FLY.....





And just jump.
 
-Famous words by J.W. hehe.